Last month, I finally connected with a wealthy prospective client who received over $30 million from the sale of his minority share of closely held stock. After five minutes on the phone with Mr. Rich Suddenly, I was getting nowhere.
Rich had high-powered attorneys from Chicago and the private client services of the most competitive national investment banking firms serving his needs. How was I to make any progress? At the end of the call, after I had lost all hope and was about to hang up, Mr. Suddenly asked me, “Do you know Mr. Ken Gatekeeper?” He then told me that his friend Mr. Gatekeeper handles all of his financial affairs.
Wow! What would you have done at that point? Wouldn’t it be great if there was a conversation format that could help you work successfully with the gatekeepers of family wealth?
These conversation formats do exist, and one I utilize is sales trainer Doug Carter’s “Expectation Conversation.” The purpose of it is to “raise the platform upon which the relationship is based.” This conversation format helps prevent future upsets as much as possible and increase the trust level because everything is out “on the table.” Here’s how it goes:
Set the Stage: “(Name), as we go forward I’m sure that you have a picture in your mind of what an ideal relationship with me would look like. If I have any hope of meeting that picture, I have to know what it is. So, with that in mind, as we continue to work together…”
Step #1: Ask, “What do you have the right to expect of me?”
You’ll want to write down and repeat each answer. Keep asking “What else?” until they have no more answers. Then read the list back from start to finish.
Step #2: Ask, “Would it be all right if I added a couple expectations?”
Add any missing expectations such as “operate with integrity” or “be completely honest.” After adding any additional expectations you believe they have a right to have of you, read the complete list.
Step #3: Address any unrealistic expectations. If there are any, now is the time to cover them.
“Would you mind if we talked about _______?” Tell them why you think an expectation may be unrealistic or unworkable. Then make a suggestion as to how you might word that expectation in such a way that it works for both of you.
Step #4: Ask, “Now, what do I have a right to expect of you?”
Again, write down and repeat each answer. Keep asking “What else?” until they have no more answers. Then read the list from start to finish.
Step #5: Ask, “Would it be all right if I added a couple?
Add any missing expectations such as “keep their word” or “be completely honest.” When you are finished, read the complete list to them.
Step #6: Address any unrealistic expectations. Occasionally, people have expectations of themselves that are unrealistic. Now is the time to cover them.
“Would you mind if we talked about _______?” Tell them why you think an expectation may be unrealistic or unworkable. Then make a suggestion as to how you might word that expectation in such a way that it works for both of you. If appropriate, simply delete the expectation.
Step #7: Make sure your slate is clean. Ask, “Have I ever done anything that has failed to meet your expectations?
Obviously if you’ve just met them, the answer should be, “No.” Usually, the other person will not want to tell you about an upset even if there is one. If they hesitate, you may want to encourage them. Act as though there is an unfulfilled expectation and ask them, “What happened?”
They’ll nearly always start with, “Well, it’s really just a little thing.” Once again, ask them what happened. Listen carefully and ask them if you can repeat back what you’ve heard. After you have repeated it back, ask, “Did I miss anything?” If they express what you missed in your summary, listen, and repeat it back to them.Continue with the process until there isn’t anything else. Then summarize the conversation and ask them if you got it right.
At this point, if they are completely expressed, the upset will disappear. You can now ask them, “Is it okay if I respond?” As you explain your side of the situation, you could ask them if they would also repeat back what they’re hearing so you know there is no miscommunication.
Brent Welch, CFP, ChFC, CLU, started as a financial planner in 1984 and is founder and managing member of Welshire Capital, LLC, a firm specializing in private wealth management, retirement and estate planning. He is a past president of The International Forum, a past board member for the AALU, a 17-year MDRT member and an 8-year TOT member. You can reach him through his Web site at www.welshirecapital.com.